


if you hate me

by badapricot



Category: Thai Actor RPF, เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV) RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Barebacking, Canon Compliant, Comeplay, Crying, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Miscommunication, Overprotective, POV Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong, Panic Attacks, Possessive Behavior, Praise Kink, Protectiveness, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27693842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badapricot/pseuds/badapricot
Summary: With Mew not answering his texts, Gulf had to appeal to his more primal nature. He twisted the red hairband around his wrist onto his fluffy bangs, pushing them up into a little ponytail."You look so cute like this, Yai Nong," Mew had told him, almost a year ago, as they sat knee to knee in the practice room. "I could just eat you up.""I'm not edible," Gulf said, going pink and shy. Mew had simplyhmmedin a low voice and left it at that, but Gulf never forgot what Mew liked because he always wanted to please him.He took a haphazard selfie and posted it, directly mentioning Mew.I don't know what happened, but good night.or:Gulf had never been good with people being angry at him.
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Comments: 54
Kudos: 623





	if you hate me

**Author's Note:**

> _It's okay if you hate me_
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> _'Cause I’m only tryna think about you, baby_
> 
> _It’s okay if you angry_
> 
> _'Cause we don’t deserve all the shit we've been takin', oh whoa_
> 
> **[\- IF YOU HATE ME, KIANA LEDÉ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpBQxd6ytLs)  
>  **
> 
> I really wanted to write something focusing on Gulf's need for approval from the people closest to him and how he can get surprisingly down on himself when he feels like he's failed them. Yes, this is shamelessly self-indulgent whump fic.
> 
> Additional warnings:  
>  \- Predatory relationship between a minor and an adult that is described in good terms because of unreliable narration from the former minor.  
>  \- Sexual harassment very vaguely alluded to.  
>  \- Corporal punishment mentioned.
> 
> All Thai language terms that are used in the fic can be found below:
> 
>  **Thai language terms**  
>  Khun = Mr/Mrs/Miss  
>  Phi/P = Gender neutral older person  
>  Nong = Gender neutral younger person  
>  Noo = Little mouse (pronoun). Often used by small children and women when talking to their parents, and vice versa.  
>  Khun Phi = Mr. Brother/Sir  
>  Yai Nong = Feminine version of Nong/little sister/little girl  
>  Farang = Foreigner but usually refers to white people. The term can be seen as derogatory.  
>  Pho = Dad/Daddy  
>  Mae = Mom  
>  Khao Tom Mad = Steamed sticky rice wrapped in banana leaf

Gulf had never been good with people being angry at him.

It rarely happened now, he was too easygoing and agreeable to garner much of a negative response from anyone, but when he was a teenager it was the norm.

There would be long screaming matches with his mother over coming home late and the ghost of cigarette smoke clinging to the curtains, that often ended in one of them crying and storming out, his father desperately trying to mediate.

After years of screaming and heated arguments, the anger that Gulf remembered the best—was silent.

He'd been out all night with some friends and only dragged himself off the beach where they'd slept at five in the morning. The trek back to his house was long but quiet, Bangkok still asleep and cloaked in a sheet of cerulean darkness as the sun hadn't risen yet.

As he arrived home, he saw his mother and father waiting for him on the porch. His mother was jittery and red-eyed as she sipped a cup of tea with both hands, his father next to her with his arm around her shoulders as he rubbed circles into her arm.

When his mother saw him, she didn't even yell. Gulf wished she would have yelled. Instead, she simply placed her cup on the porch, jerked away from under his father's arm, and headed inside.

His father stood and while he had never done it, Gulf was worried he'd hit him.

"Pho," Gulf croaked, his voice soft and raspy from a night of laughing with his friends, and smoking under the moon. He still smelt of salt from the sea, and sand clung to his arms and calves.

When Gulf flinched, his father hugged him, cupping one warm hand around the back of his neck. He felt like he didn't deserve it. No—he knew he didn't.

 _He should hit me_ , Gulf thought, as his father gave him comfort that he didn't earn. He should be the one comforting him. Still, he selfishly soaked it up.

"Where were you, Noo?" his father asked gently. He ran his hand through Gulf's hair and then down his back, slipping his fingers under the edge of his T-shirt to pat his waist, to check for injuries. "Where were you?"

"I—" Gulf struggled not to burst into tears now that he was in his father's arms.

_I was out with my friends. We drank and smoked, and I forgot to call. I lost track of time._

But those would be lies. Because Gulf didn't forget and he didn't lose track of time. His phone was still in his pocket, fully charged. He just didn't want to come home and disappoint his parents again. He didn't want to come home and have his mother _look_ at him, the way she had since he'd started high school.

"I was out with my friends." Gulf left it at that.

His father took a deep breath of his hair and held him in his arms, before pulling back, keeping two hands firmly on his shoulders.

"Okay," his father said, "You were out with your friends."

Gulf nodded jerkily.

"Noo," his father started, "Do you know how worried we were? How worried your Mae was? You know better than anyone that the city isn't safe, especially for a boy your age."

Gulf looked down at his feet shamefaced.

"I know," Gulf said quietly. He'd lived in Bangkok his entire life and he'd experienced the whole mill of the city's dangers in that time: pickpockets, creepy farang men, creepy _Thai_ men, scammers, and just garden variety muggers.

"But I was with my friends—"

"Gulf," his father interrupted him flatly. "I don't want to hear this right now. Just...talk to your Mae. Please." His father sounded exasperated and he never did. He was the only one who had infinite patience for Gulf and his antics, even when he made his mother cry, and Grace would scream at him for being such a troublemaker.

His father sighed and turned on his heel, heading back into the house.

Gulf stood on the porch alone and considered running back to the beach where he came, but then Ouan's fat tawny body milled between his legs, his fluffy tail wrapping around his ankle, and he realized just how much he'd missed being home.

He toed his slippers off and kicked some of the sand onto the porch before he went into the house. It was quiet, save for the sound of his mother chopping away in the kitchen.

She didn't look up when he crept in, her back turned to him as she sliced cabbage and peppers. Her hands shook and Gulf couldn't tell if it was from the lack of sleep or the repressed anger, but it just made him feel worse.

"Mae?" he tried.

He stood in the kitchen, getting sand all over the floor and still wearing his clothes from the day before, but she didn't say a word. Not even to tell him to go shake it off outside and stop trekking dirt into the house.

"Mae," Gulf repeated, some tears colouring his voice, despite his best efforts. He knew she would hate it because he was covered in a thin layer of grime, but he wrapped his arms around her waist and clung to her back until her chopping slowed.

"Mae, I'm sorry," Gulf sniffled into her hair, "Noo is sorry."

His mother didn't reply, but she'd stopped her attempts at cooking.

"I don't mean to be such a bad child," Gulf said, and then he started to cry in earnest, "I don't want to disappoint you all the time. To make you worry."

His mother still didn't speak and Gulf became desperate. He wanted her to yell at him, to yank on his ear, to do _anything_ besides ignore him like she was. Because he knew good and well that the opposite of love wasn't hate, it was indifference.

"I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I'm so disappointing," Gulf sobbed, his vision starting to blur from his tears and his breath starting to come out in short panicked gasps, "I don't know why I act this way. But please don't hate me, Mae. Please don't hate me."

His mother turned around then, dropping the knife in her hands, and dislodging Gulf's hands around her waist. She pulled his head down to her shoulder and made a soft, sad noise, and Gulf was so relieved that he hung on to her and started to wail, finally being embraced by his mother.

"Oh, Noo," she said, running her hands up and down his back as he shook. "Mae could never hate you. No matter what you do, Mae could never hate you."

Gulf nodded and soaked up her words like bread to hot soup, his body warming and relaxing in her arms.

"You might disappoint me sometimes, but you are not disappointing. You aren't a bad child."

Now _that_ , Gulf couldn't believe. His mother tsked as she pulled his head away from her shoulder, rolling his face in her hand so she could wipe his tears and snot away with the other. Only his mother would do that for him, and that made Gulf cry even more.

"Listen to me, Noo," she said, holding onto his chin. "Children are not bad. Children might do bad things, but that is not _what_ they are. It is what they choose to do. Do you understand, Mae?"

Gulf nodded, and his mother smiled.

"Good. Now go take off these dirty clothes, take a shower, and come back down. I'll make your favourite."

"Okay," Gulf said in a shaky voice. Then he tentatively added, "Mae?"

"Yes?"

"Can you make it super spicy?"

His mother smiled and nodded before sniff kissing his cheek. Gulf leaned down and sniff kissed her back, even though his nose was wet.

After that, things got better. Gulf didn't become a model student overnight, or the perfect son, but he tried. He smoked less, and got better grades, and slept in his own bed on most nights.

 _You are not disappointing_ , his mother had said, and Gulf never wanted to prove her wrong.

* * *

Besides his mother and father, Gulf had never wanted anyone's approval more than he wanted Mew's.

He didn't even know how it happened, one man's opinion of him becoming more important than his mother's and even scarier, more important than his own at times. It's not like Mew was scant with compliments or with praise, and maybe that was why Gulf needed it from him so badly. No one had ever taken care of him like Mew. His parents loved him, but he'd never had someone give praise to him so easily, doting on him for the simple act of being himself.

He only realized how badly he craved it on a golden afternoon in late June.

They still didn't know each other well yet, but Gulf was starting to uncoil, his stomach hurting a little less when Mew called him, his handsome face smiling at him while he asked him about how his classes were going and what he was doing that weekend. Those video calls always left him red-faced and uncomfortable because Gulf had never been a vain boy. He knew he was handsome, so he never had to try. But despite it all, Gulf found himself trying to position his phone for the most flattering angle, combing his hair into place, and trying to avoid showing off his double chin while Mew talked to him.

That day was worse because they weren't talking on video call. Mew had offered to pick him up from school, and with nothing to do, Gulf had agreed. It was only the second time they had gone out together without work as an excuse.

They were at Chatuchak Park, sitting on a thick blanket while they ate khao tom mad out of banana leaf wrappers, and getting their fingers sticky in the process.

Mew moaned sadly when he finished his, balling up the sticky leaf and wrapping it in a napkin.

"I'm going to have to work out so much after this." He groaned as he laid down and pulled his arms above his head, a perfect centerfold.

With Mew's eyes closed, Gulf couldn't stop himself from ogling him, his eyes appreciatively tracing the cords of muscle in his arms from the stretch, the straight line of his jaw, and the pale sliver of skin that he'd revealed when he'd stretched out on the blanket. Orange slices of sunlight completed the picture, smattering over Mew's face and broad shoulders through the scattered shade of the pink poui trees.

 _He's hairier there than I am_ , Gulf thought, when he saw the beginning of a happy trail, and it sent a strand of heat down his spine. He didn't know why that excited him so much.

"You're a showoff," Gulf said, teasingly. He pinched Mew's thick bicep, and then his own chubby, albeit slender, upper arm. " _You_ have to work out? I haven't even started."

He laid down next to Mew and tentatively curled towards his body, peering up at him. Mew opened his eyes and Gulf jolted like he was doing something he wasn't supposed to do, and then Mew smiled.

"Yai Nong." Mew unfolded one of his arms to pull Gulf closer so that his head was resting on Mew's bicep, and they were intertwined like lovers. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" Gulf asked. His voice was muted and shy; Mew and him almost nose to nose. He couldn't think much of anything with Mew looking at him like that. Or when he used that diminutive pet name. Being referred to in such a feminine way made him feel small and squirmy, which was an odd feeling after being tall his entire life.

"Run away," Mew said, "whenever Phi looks at you."

"I don't _run away_ ," Gulf protested, even though that's exactly what he did. Avoiding Mew's eyes when he caught them in the practice room, letting his phone ring when Mew called because his acne was bad that day, and being so nervous that he needed Mew to hold his hands and rub circles into the backs of them for what felt like hours, just so he could stand to look at him.

_Nobody has ever made me feel like this before._

"You do." Mew nudged his nose with his, and Gulf flinched. It made Mew's face fall, a tight bundle of tension forming between his finely shaped brows. The arm he'd wrapped around Gulf relaxed as if he were afraid to hold him too tight.

"Are you afraid of me? Because this isn't going to work if you're feeling scared, or—"

"I am _not_ afraid of you! Really." Gulf insisted, punctuating his words by lightly hitting Mew's chest.

"Then what is it then?" Mew asked gently, "You know you can tell me." He nudged Gulf's nose with his again, and the spring inside Gulf's chest uncoiled even more, loosened by Mew's gentleness.

"I am scared," Gulf admitted, and it was a truth wrapped in a lie, "Not of you! But of...this."

"This?"

"I've never done this before," Gulf said in a small voice, and it had a double meaning. Mew tensed at his words and Gulf decided to go with the more appropriate one. "This is my first major role, Phi." Mew relaxed, and Gulf's heart sunk because he'd made the right choice. "I've been in commercials and that one Lakorn when I was a kid but you know it's not the same."

Gulf's eyes fell to Mew's neck, and he stared at his Adam's apple because he couldn't look him in the eyes. The familiar press of anxiety weighed on his chest like an anvil, and he was worried that if he looked up and saw eyes that were indifferent, he might suffocate under them.

"I just don't want to disappoint you."

It was the most vulnerable he'd been with Mew since he'd met him. Most of their conversations were about shallow topics: their classes or the scripts or the book. They didn't talk about real things, and Gulf knew it was his fault. He kept Mew at arm's length because he didn't want him to see what Gulf was desperately trying to get over, but now he wanted him to look.

"Hey," Mew said softly, and Gulf couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped him when Mew finally touched his forehead to his, his eyelids fluttering shut. "You could never disappoint me."

"You've known me for six months," Gulf said dryly, even as he pressed his forehead to Mew's and his breathing slowed and evened out.

"And I already know exactly what to expect," Mew said. Gulf didn't know what he meant. Mew cupped his cheek and changed gears before he could ask. "Gulf, I've worked with lots of people before you. And trust me when I say that most of them weren't even half as hardworking as you are."

Gulf had to bite his lip to hide a small smile that threatened to burst but eventually escaped anyway. "You don't need to insult your old coworkers just to make me feel better."

"It's true," Mew said, pinching his chubby cheek, "Don't talk back to your Phi, Noo."

Gulf giggled despite the reprimand and Mew's pinch turned into a caress.

"Cute," Mew said, and Gulf's laugh trailed off, his ears going red.

"But you're more than just cute, Nong. You work hard and you're a natural. No one else could be Type."

Gulf pouted then. He knew good and well that while Mew was the only man he'd chosen, Mew had chosen two possible candidates for Type.

"Liar," Gulf whined, even though they were just teasing, and he had no real reason to be jealous.

"I don't even remember the other guy's name," Mew played along, holding Gulf's hand to his chest dramatically, "Cross my heart and hope to die. It could only be you."

"Yeah, sure," Gulf grumbled, even as his heart raced at the feeling of Mew's warm, solid chest under his palm.

Mew dragged Gulf's hand away from his chest and pressed a kiss to the palm, even though it was still sticky from the sweet rice, and neither of them had washed their hands, and Gulf's breath caught in his throat.

"Phi doesn't lie. You're going to be great, Gulf. Trust me."

And Gulf did.

* * *

People didn't realize what they had until they lost it. It was like that with everything and everyone.

It wasn't the first time they had fought or Mew had given him the silent treatment, but it was only the second time it had gone on for longer than a day, at least since their disastrous week-long fight on Samet island. It was the first time Mew pretended everything was fine, even though they weren't.

Gulf didn't even realize Mew was ignoring him until Gulf's call went to the answering machine three times, which Mew never did no matter how busy he was. He was always shamelessly eager to talk to Gulf and answered his calls after the second or third ring, or he called him himself at least three times a day. At that point, they hadn't talked since the day prior, which was weird for them.

Gulf frowned and shrugged it off, before going to take a hot shower. His muscles burned after the football game he'd played with his friends, so the hot water was a relief.

When he came out, his phone screen was still blank with no calls. He flopped onto his stomach as he dried his hair and swung his legs back and forth, feeling listless.

 _I miss him_ , he thought, which was a ridiculous thing to think. They'd only started dating a few weeks prior, and the shift in their relationship status had made Gulf more conscious of the desperate uncomfortable feeling that had become normal without him realizing it. The feeling that made him bury his nose in Mew's shirts when he wasn't there, and look at old videos of him on his phone until his cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

Personal space had always been a problem in his other relationships, but with Mew, it was the opposite. Gulf wanted to drown in him.

 _Don't be so needy._ He hated being needy, and he had never needed anyone this much. He kept waiting for the day that he would get sick of Mew, or vice versa, but he just seemed to get worse.

To distract himself he rolled onto his back and slid his hand into his shorts, cupping his soft cock until it hardened in his palm. As he lazily jerked himself off, he thought about Mew. About his strong hands, and his sharp eyes, and the handsome way he pushed his hair back when it got into eyes. They weren't even particularly lewd thoughts but Gulf had to bring a hand up to his mouth, and sink his teeth into the knuckle so he wouldn't whine.

His half-hearted session was interrupted by his phone lighting up with a notification. He rolled onto his side and used his other hand to scroll through Twitter until he saw what it was. He only had tweet notifications on for one person, but it still took him a second to process Mew's _I'm tired_ tweet.

He immediately went to LINE and texted him, _Are you okay_?

It went unread just like all of Gulf's calls for the day and his _Good Morning Pho_ text. Gulf's frown deepened and he felt his chest start to tighten.

_Was something seriously wrong?_

He texted Mew again. _P'Mew I'm worried. Please answer me._

He didn't give Mew a chance to respond because he called him once, twice, and then thrice. They all went to voice mail and Gulf's mouth became wobbly. This wasn't like him at all.

It was narcissistic to even consider, but Gulf wondered, _did I do something?_ and his mind went into overdrive. They hadn't fought, Gulf would have remembered that. Gulf had called him from bed, his face swollen and pressed into a pillow, and he told Mew that he was going to see some old friends the next day to play football. Mew told him it sounded like fun and sung him a lullaby until Gulf had fallen asleep. Nothing more, nothing less.

With Mew not answering his texts, Gulf had to appeal to his more primal nature. He twisted the red hairband around his wrist onto his fluffy bangs, pushing them up into a little ponytail.

"You look so cute like this, Yai Nong," Mew had told him, almost a year ago, as they sat knee to knee in the practice room. "I could just eat you up."

"I'm not edible," Gulf said, going pink and shy. Mew had simply _hmmed_ in a low voice and left it at that, but Gulf never forgot what Mew liked because he always wanted to please him.

He took a haphazard selfie and posted it, directly mentioning Mew.

_I don't know what happened, but good night._

* * *

Mew finally answered his video call in the morning, and Gulf didn't know what to say. It was Mew who usually did all the talking, but today he was impassive, even as Gulf smiled at him.

"Where are you going?" Gulf asked, avoiding the elephant in the room.

Mew's camera was shaking, moved by the bumps and jerks of his car.

"The university," Mew said shortly, "I have to meet my supervisor to discuss my thesis. I think I need to change my topic because, you know." He waved at nothing in particular. "COVID."

"Oh," Gulf said, "that sucks." He squirmed and took a sip of his congee just so he had more time to calm down, his stomach churning the more Mew continued to treat him coldly.

"P'Mew," Gulf started, his voice cracking, "Are you mad at me?"

"Like you don't know why. Gulf, I already told you."

"But I don't!" Gulf insisted, "We didn't fight the other day."

"Of course we didn't fight, because I told you what was bothering me. You just weren't paying attention or you didn't care."

"I fell asleep," Gulf said, "It's not that I didn't pay attention. I do care." He bit his lip, feeling more off-kilter the more Mew scolded him. He wasn't an emotional person, but he felt put on the spot and like he might cry like he did when they had to do speeches in grade school and he stuttered the entire time while his classmates giggled behind their hands.

Mew sighed as if Gulf made him tired, and Gulf's stomach sunk.

"The football game with your old friends." Gulf stared at him, blankly.

"That friend, Yai Nong. That...Ice." Mew almost spat out his name.

Gulf was confused. "P'Ice?" He didn't even remember telling Mew about him, he'd been half asleep when he told Mew about the old friends he was seeing.

"I told you I didn't want you to see him," Mew said, and Gulf was confused as to why until Mew added, "Khun Mae told me all about him."

His mother talked to Mew about him often, something that made Gulf feel cared for, but coddled. His own boyfriend trading information with his mother about Gulf.

"Mae has hated P'Ice since I was a kid," Gulf said, rolling his eyes, "she always thought he was a bad influence." He was four years Gulf's senior and had Sak Yant tattoos on his back before he graduated high school. He'd also been the one to buy Gulf his first drink when he was fourteen, and many more after. He wasn't perfect, but at one particularly low point, he was Gulf's only and best friend. Gulf might be all grown up now, but the lonely fourteen-year-old boy that he'd once been was still grateful to him.

"He _is_ a bad influence," Mew said, "she told me about what he had you doing when you were a kid, Gulf."

That didn't just make Gulf feel coddled. It made him feel exposed. He'd told Mew about his high school days but he'd never gone into too much detail, simply sticking to a light airy, _I was a bad boy,_ when asked.

"It was just alcohol and some cigarettes, Pho."

"What kind of eighteen-year-old man goes out of their way to befriend and drink with a fourteen-year-old boy, Gulf?"

He made it sound more perverted and nefarious than it actually was.

"It wasn't like that!"

"Then why did he confess to you?" Gulf froze and then inwardly cursed his sleepy past self, and his loose lips.

"Did I tell you that?" Gulf asked.

"Yeah," Mew said, "You did."

It hadn't meant anything to Gulf which was probably why he had let it slip. Mew would hate to hear it, but Ice wasn't the first, or the last, boy— _man_ —that had confessed to him. Gulf had just been seventeen at the time and Ice was twenty-one, and moving to Chiang Mai to take care of his ailing grandparents. They'd both gotten roaringly drunk to commemorate the occasion, and Ice had ended the night on his knees, kissing Gulf's hands and begging him to come away with him, despite Gulf not even being done high school. It was disturbing at the time, but after five years, it was nothing more than a distant memory. Ice was happy now and dating a cute homely girl from the South. It was the only reason Gulf was comfortable seeing him after so long.

"Did I tell you anything else?" Gulf asked hesitantly.

"He got on his knees and begged you to throw away your future."

_Fuck._

"It was a long time ago—"

"That doesn't change anything, Gulf," Mew said sharply. "Would you be comfortable if I hung out with a man that wanted to run away with me? When I was _underage_?"

Gulf shook his head, appropriately subdued, because Mew was right.

"And that's not even considering the fact that he's a bad person. A man that gives alcohol and cigarettes to a child, and then tries to steal him away from his Mae and Pho is not good, Nong. He's a predator."

"I would have never gone with him," Gulf said quietly, and maybe that's why it had never been a big deal in his head. He knew himself well. But when Mew laid it out like that, it did make him feel a bit twisted for never telling his parents, and for never thinking twice about the implications of what Ice had asked of him, or their friendship as a whole.

"I know you wouldn't have," Mew said, "But Phi doesn't want you around someone like that. It makes me..."

He pulled his face mask down, and Gulf realized it was because he was furious.

"You know I'm protective over you," Mew said, his voice shaking with barely contained rage, "I don't want you around bad people. Especially someone like that. I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about you out with him."

"I'm sorry," Gulf whined, the guilt choking him. "I haven't seen him in years, and I won't see him again. I promise."

He held his pinkie up to the camera and Mew's anger ebbed away.

"Promise?" he prodded again. Even though Mew's phone was shaking, he brought his own pinkie up to the camera and tapped it against Gulf's.

"Darling, if he contacts you again—"

"I won't answer," Gulf said, "I wasn't lying when I said we haven't seen each other in years. Not since what happened."

He was still grateful to Ice for easing the loneliness that had chased him throughout his teen years, but gratefulness couldn't measure up to the well of love he had for his Phi.

Mew seemed satisfied but still bothered.

"There's nothing there, P'Mew," Gulf said, "I promise, really. Cross my heart and hope to die."

Mew's stern expression finally broke when he blew him a kiss, and Gulf's heart soared.

* * *

Gulf knew Mew had meetings and classes all day, but he couldn't stand not seeing him in the flesh, not after their fight.

 _Come kidnap me_ , he texted Mew, and within a half-hour, he was outside Gulf's workplace.

He was wearing a striped shirt and leaning against his car when Gulf skipped down the steps, almost tripping on his own feet in his haste to get to him.

"Where are you running off to?" Mew asked, righting Gulf when he nearly stumbled into him.

"Running away," Gulf corrected, "I'm being kidnapped."

"Is it kidnapping when the victim sends me texts like this?" Mew flashed his phone at Gulf revealing the series of crying and heart emojis he'd sent him punctuated with the final, _Please Pho?_ that had made Mew drive halfway across the city in record time.

"I missed you," Gulf admitted. He wanted nothing more than to throw himself into Mew's arms, but he felt awkward about that even when they weren't fighting. So after this morning, he felt like he wasn't allowed.

Mew closed the gap between them by pulling Gulf into his arms, burrowing his face into the crook of Gulf's neck, and breathing him in. It made Gulf warm and relaxed, the tension he'd been carrying leaking out of him.

_He's not mad at me anymore._

He took the permission Mew had given him to weakly hold onto the back of his shirt, and breathe him in too.

He felt drunk when Mew finally pulled back, his eyes fond when he saw Gulf's face. _Sometimes you look drunk around him_ , Mild had said once, and Gulf didn't know what he meant until he saw his own hazy reflection in the window of Mew's car.

"What do you want to eat?" Mew asked.

"Huh?"

"Dinner," Mew reminded him, "You said you wanted to get dinner to make up with me."

"Hmm." Gulf chewed on his bottom lip. "Something spicy, maybe?"

Mew didn't like spicy food and this was supposed to be about Gulf making up with Mew, but Mew acquiesced easily with a shrug before opening the car door for Gulf. He climbed in after and they drove in companionable silence, but it still wasn't enough for Gulf. If things were normal, it would have been, but he needed Mew to touch him. He needed to know they were really okay. His hand twisted in his lap, eyeing Mew's which was resting on the steering wheel.

He didn't get a chance to reach for it because Mew's phone lit up from its place on the dashboard.

Gulf leaned closer to see the caller.

"Aow, it's P'Run."

"He's been calling me constantly since yesterday."

"And you haven't answered?" Gulf asked.

"I was a little preoccupied." Mew left it at that but Gulf read between the lines. _I was a little preoccupied worrying about you. I was preoccupied with being angry with you._

"You should call him back," Gulf said. " _We_ should call him back. A lot of people are worried about you. Did you see the tag?"

"I wasn't on Twitter much, but yeah."

"We shouldn't let them worry," Gulf said, to distract himself from the tightness in his chest. It was always easier to focus on other people's feelings than his own. He fumbled with Mew's phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Just a little live, Phi. At least until we get to the restaurant."

It didn't take long for Run to join the live, and when he did, he looked visibly relieved to see them together.

"You're both drama queens," he started. "I even called Mild because I thought something was seriously wrong, and yet here you are."

"He kidnapped me," Gulf said with a grin, "and we're fine Phi."

"I did not kidnap him." Mew tilted his phone towards him. "Nong asked me to kidnap him, everyone."

"You can't prove that."

"And I'm not a drama queen," Mew added, "This one here," he gestured at Gulf, "just likes to play innocent."

His tone was teasing but Gulf knew Mew well enough to hear the true annoyance underlying it. It made Gulf shrink into his seat.

"I went to play football," Gulf said, in weak protest.

"And then you acted like you knew nothing, even though we talked. Nong doesn't listen to his Phi, everyone."

"But I didn't know what you were sulking about," Gulf whined, "I fell asleep."

Run tried to interrupt them. "Guys—"

"Don't lie, don't lie," Mew sang, and Gulf's stomach started to hurt from everything he was trying to contain.

"It's my fault then," Gulf said, in a thick voice, even though he was still smiling. "It's all my fault, right?"

It was all his fault. Because if he had just listened to Mew the first time, they wouldn't have had this fight at all. If he'd been a good son who listened to his mother almost a decade ago, he would never have befriended Ice. And if he'd been a more outgoing boy, a less lonely boy, maybe he wouldn't have had to.

Mew wrapped his arm around Gulf before the thickness in his throat could turn into anything tangible, even as he continued to drive.

"We won't talk about it anymore." The annoyance had left his voice. He'd obviously picked up on Gulf's tone, on his rising distress. "Let's not talk about it."

"Yeah, don't talk about it anymore," Run said, waving off the uncomfortable tide of emotion that had temporarily overtaken both of them.

Gulf stayed quiet while Mew and Run talked about what restaurant they were going to, and said their hasty goodbyes.

 _It really is all your fault_ , he thought, when Mew came around and opened the car door for him, and he realized that Mew hadn't told him he was cute today. Not even once.

* * *

Gulf tried during dinner. He really tried.

It was easy because Mew seemed determined to act like they'd truly made up, but after a year of care from Mew, Gulf knew the difference. The unsaid things between them while they ate their food reminded him of their early days when they were both barely hiding their attraction for each other. Only now it was worse because Gulf loved him. He loved Mew so much, and Mew seemed a hundred miles away. He paid for their meal, wiped Gulf's mouth when he ate, and kept a firm hand on the small of his waist, but it felt perfunctory, lacking all of the usual warmth that Mew had for him.

When Mew pulled up in front of his condo after, it was black outside, with only the amber streetlights illuminating the inside of the car. It cast ominous shadows on both of their faces, obscuring them from each other.

They sat in silence for a moment before Mew spoke.

"Can I stay the night?"

Gulf wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and cry himself to sleep but he said, "Okay."

When they went into the condo, Gulf immediately called shotgun on the bathroom just so he could get a chance to breathe.

"I'll go first."

He shut the door, and shucked off all his clothes, before sinking to the bottom of the shower floor and silently crying into his hands as the panic he'd been restraining for the entire day finally ran through him, his breath coming out in tight jerky gasps.

Gulf was used to this: crying alone.

With Mew in the other room, he had to cup his entire hand over his mouth to muffle the tears that the beating of the hot water on the shower floor couldn't hide.

His brain kept pounding with traitorous anxious thoughts that he knew weren't true, but felt true at that moment. _You finally disappointed him, because all you do is disappoint people. Just like you disappointed Mae, and Pho, and Grace. They still love you because they're your family but, what about Mew? He's not going to love you anymore._

"Gulf?" Mew knocked on the door, and Gulf couldn't have responded even if he wanted to. "I need to wash my hands, and your kitchen sink isn't working."

It wasn't a big deal, one of them going into the bathroom to piss or get something while the other was in the shower, but Gulf wished he had locked the door when Mew opened it.

"Nong?" Mew sounded confused, but Gulf couldn't see him. His face was buried in his knees and his eyes were swollen from the tears and the hot water, his breath still coming out in tight gasps. "Gulf!"

Mew didn't even bother turning off the water when he walked into the shower and hooked his strong arms under the backs of Gulf's knees, somehow managing to get a tight grip. Gulf just cried the entire time, his body shaking, but still managing to cling to Mew, his tears and body soaking his shirt.

"Nong, are you hurt!? Tell Phi where it hurts right now." Mew sounded panicked and it made Gulf cry even harder. All he did was make Mew worry, and make him tired.

Mew wrapped him in a downy towel and rushed him to the bedroom where he carefully sat him down before he sunk to his knees in front of him, pushing his hair back. His hair and shirt were soaked and his eyes were rimmed with red from the heat of the bathroom. He was a handsome wreck.

"Gulf, do you need me to call an ambulance? If you don't say anything, I'm going to call one. Talk to me, right now, please, talk to Phi," Mew begged, cupping his face in his hands, and wiping away the tracks that stained Gulf's cheeks.

"Tell me where it hurts," Mew said, "I can't make it better if you don't tell me where it hurts. Does it hurt, darling?"

Gulf continued to cry softly, covering his face with both hands so Mew couldn't look at him anymore. He couldn't bring himself to speak because he was too afraid of what Mew would say. His anxiety was one thing, but having it confirmed was another.

"That's it," Mew said, his tone going from coaxing to serious, "I'm calling an ambulance."

He moved like he was going to stand, and Gulf jerked forward.

"No!" He clung to Mew's shoulders and Mew held him back just as fiercely. "Don't leave me," he said in a rush of words, his voice wobbling, "I know I disappointed you and you're mad at me, but please don't leave me. Please don't stop loving me." His words turned into desperate weeping at the end, his breath hitching again, like it had back in the bathroom.

Gulf hated being needy the most.

"Gulf," Mew said, slow and confused, as Gulf's words started to process. "...what?"

Gulf was horrified to hear that Mew had started to cry too. "Darling," he said, and then suddenly Gulf was on his back staring up at him. It was enough of a shock to halt Gulf's panicked breathing. Mew situated himself between his legs and carefully wrapped a hand under his chin for better access, and Gulf felt pinned. Mew moved Gulf how he liked, and kissed his wet cheeks, and the delicate curve of his neck, and then finally, his shaking lips. Gulf sighed into it with relief, his arms reaching to wrap around Mew's neck and pull him closer because Mew could never be too close. The kiss tasted like salt from their shared tears but that didn't stop Mew from kissing Gulf thoroughly, suckling on his tongue and holding his face still until he whined into Mew's mouth, lightly hitting his chest for air.

When Mew dragged himself away, Gulf was panting for another reason, and saliva spread between them like something out of a more heated moment, because they'd kissed for so long, and so deeply.

"How could you even ask me that?" Mew asked strongly, tears still trickling out of his eyes, "Don't you know how much I love you, Gulf?"

He kissed the corner of Gulf's mouth worshipfully, trailing pecks up the side of his face. It took Gulf a moment to realize he was kissing away his tears.

"My precious Yai Nong."

Gulf remembered his words in the car, and Mew's coldness during dinner.

"But...I'm not," Gulf said, his voice breaking, "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not—" Mew hushed him and held him, his heated bulk weighing Gulf down like a literal safety blanket. "You say that you forgive me and I'm precious but then...but then you...I know you're still mad at me. And I hate that more, Phi. I'd rather you just said it out loud. This hurts my heart too much."

"You're right," Mew said, nodding against Gulf's neck, and pressing a kiss there. "I was being passive-aggressive and I hurt you, and I should never have done that. I should have never treated you like that, and made you feel like you aren't as precious to me as you are."

Mew tilted up his face, dragging himself away from Gulf's neck.

"And Gulf." His hold became tighter. "You are always precious to me. No matter what you do, or what you say, that's never going to change, sweetheart."

Mew's words settled the tremors of Gulf's body and the phantom pain in his heart.

"Even when I'm a bad boy?" Gulf sniffled, "And I don't listen to you?"

It was Mew's favourite thing to tease him about, being too stubborn, too naughty, too _bad_ , but today he shook his head.

"Who told you you're a bad boy?" Mew said sharply, "My Yai Nong is always a good boy for me."

"Really?"

"Of course."

They needed to talk. They _really_ needed to talk. But right now, Gulf needed Mew inside him more. He needed him as close as he could possibly be, to completely drown under him.

Mew had only fucked him twice before. His cock was too big, and Gulf was still too tight for it to be anything other than a carefully planned out affair every time, but Gulf didn't care.

He hooked his ankles around Mew's waist and pulled him more firmly on top of him, so they were pressed chest to chest, and the bulge between Mew's legs jutted at the soft seam of Gulf's cheeks. Mew had been hard for a while and Gulf knew he felt guilty about it, that Gulf naked and needing him so badly turned him so much.

"Say it again?" he asked.

Mew kissed him with fervor before he could start begging, his hand reaching between them to unbuckle his pants. When his belt buckle hit the ground, Gulf moaned into his mouth. There were lots of things about being with a man that he'd learned that he loved. The burn of stubble against his inner thighs, on the rare occasions Mew didn't shave, the musky smell of his sweat, and more recently, the sound of a belt being unbuckled.

"You're a good boy," Mew groaned into his neck, biting him there while Gulf held onto his neck, moaning helplessly as Mew pinched his little nipples, rolling the nubs between the pads of his fingers.

"More, Phi," Gulf begged, and Mew pulled away from his neck, pushing Gulf up the bed so he was level with his chest. He laughed a bit when he saw his swollen nipples, and Gulf was too sensitive for that right now.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Mew said, and then he laved his tongue around one, moaning appreciatively as he sucked it between his teeth like candy. It made Gulf clutch at his head and close his eyes, overwhelmed.

He looked at Mew blearily when he stopped to tweak them, pinching both and making him embarrassed.

"They're just so cute," Mew said, "You have the cutest body, Gulf."

Of course, Gulf's nipples would be Mew's first "cute" of the day.

"They're just nipples," Gulf said, and as if he were offended by the notion, Mew sucked on the other one harshly, turning Gulf's protest into a whine as he let Mew do as he pleased.

He eventually trailed down Gulf's chest, wetly kissing his soft little tummy, smoothing out the little fat there was to press a loud peck there.

"But this is the cutest part of you."

Gulf had never been more grateful for the lack of receptors in his stomach when Mew started worshipfully kissing him there. It didn't tickle, but the tenderness that he did it with made him feel loved and overheated.

"My lovely Nong," Mew said.

He finally left his tummy alone, in favour of cupping Gulf's cock and lazily jerking it.

Gulf was hard and leaking now, but the length of his cock still only just filled Mew's hand, almost nothing in comparison to the ridiculous cock between Mew's legs.

Gulf loved this part of being with a man too. He was always on the smaller side, and it had never bothered him. He was very comfortable with his body. But the contrast between Mew's huge cock and his much smaller one got him heated and squirming, not because of humiliation, but because of the knowledge that Mew was so much bigger than him everywhere.

_I love being smaller than him._

Gulf thinks he had realized that before he'd even seen Mew's dick.

Mew loved the contrast too if his reaction to Gulf's cock the first time he'd seen it had been any indication. He'd held Gulf in his lap and jerked their cocks together in one big hand, while Gulf made soft _ah_ , _ah_ , _ah_ noises against his neck.

"Look at how small you are next to Phi," Mew ordered, and Gulf had looked. It looked completely obscene, Mew's thumb rubbing the fat leaking head of Gulf's cock, and Mew's cock rutting against his, over twice its size. Gulf had come with a sob, hiding his face against Mew. That didn't stop Mew from continuing to make Gulf squeal, sticking a finger or two inside of him, because he hadn't finished yet.

"This part—"

"You can't keep saying different parts are the cutest part," Gulf cut him off because he needed Mew inside him already. "Are we playing superlatives?"

"This _part_ ," Mew repeated, amusement colouring his voice, "is so cute and small, Nong. Just like the rest of you."

And then he swallowed Gulf's cock, making him yell and attempt to jerk away. Mew held his hips down as he blew him, moaning around his length. Gulf felt heat gathering in his stomach, his hole clenching, and it was so good he barely felt it when Mew screwed the pad of one dry thumb into his hole.

"Oh!" Gulf moaned in surprise. He would have come right then and there if Mew hadn't pulled off his cock to reach for the lotion on the bedside table.

His hole felt empty even though Mew had barely put much of anything in there, but it didn't last for long. Mew quickly squeezed an excessive amount of lotion into his palm before pressing the slick finger between Gulf's legs. Situated where he was, he was closer to Gulf's hole than he'd ever been as he fed him his fingers, and it made Gulf shy.

"Phi," Gulf whined.

He didn't get a chance to protest more because Mew slid another finger into him, making him inhale sharply.

"What?" Mew said, in a low voice, "Don't complain. Be a good boy."

The words settled Gulf. He wanted to be a good boy for Mew.

Mew fucked another finger inside of him, making Gulf moan. He fucked into him firmly but searching, at least until he found a familiar soft bump that made Gulf's eyes roll back.

"More," Gulf begged, his shyness dissipating, "I want more."

Mew could never say no to him so he was thrusting the three thick fingers into the tight passage quickly before Gulf had even adjusted to the second. It was completely overwhelming, but that was Gulf's entire relationship with Mew.

Gulf made a desperate noise when Mew suddenly pulled his slick fingers out of him, leaving him empty, but it didn't last for long since he quickly swung Gulf's calves over his thighs, grunting above him as he situated the head of his cock against Gulf's tight hole. Then he suddenly stopped.

"No," Gulf whined. He would actually need Mew to call an ambulance if he tried to stop now. He didn't know if it would be for him, or for Mew.

Mew hushed him, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I just need to get a condom, Yai Nong."

"I don't want one," Gulf said honestly.

But Mew jerked back.

"Sweetheart—"

"I want to feel you inside me. Please?" Gulf begged.

Mew looked at him carefully, his mind whirring, but Gulf could see his nostrils flare as he struggled to stay in control, to not just fuck Gulf bareback and into the ground because he was begging for it.

"Tell me you've never done this with anybody else," Mew ordered, even as he started to push his length inside of him. The stretch felt so good, Gulf's mouth hung open.

"I've never done this with anybody else," Gulf said quickly, his eyelids fluttering as Mew screwed his cock inside of him. He'd been too scared of getting a girl pregnant to even risk it, and Mew was the first man—the only man—he'd ever been with. The only man he would ever be with.

"Fuck," Mew groaned, when he finally fucked all the way inside, balls deep inside Gulf's tight body but unmoving, giving Gulf a chance to adjust. Gulf could barely breathe, his hips twitching under Mew's but unable to move because Mew was so heavy.

"I can't wait to come inside of you," Mew growled into his ear, and then he pulled almost completely out before thrusting back inside of him. The slow drag and abrupt fucking back inside made Gulf feel like he had been sucker-punched, but Mew didn't stop.

 _I could stay like this forever_ , Gulf thought, suspended in the moment. Completely pinned under Mew's body, unable to move, and unquestionably loved as Mew slowly but deeply fucked him, grunting, _love you_ , _love you so much_ , _love you_ , over and over again into Gulf's ear.

"You're so...you're so..." Gulf whined, and Mew pushed him up the bed with a hard thrust that he felt in his throat. He tried to grind back onto Mew's cock but he really couldn't move. Instead, he just held on, wrapped his arms around Mew's neck, and hooked his ankles more firmly around his waist. "You're so deep, P'Mew. I can feel everything."

"Yeah?" Mew groaned, wrapping one arm under his hips so he could move him how he liked, rutting his dick into him quicker now, the wet slapping noises filling Gulf's tiny apartment with every hard thrust. "Do you like how it feels? Tell Phi."

Later, Gulf would be embarrassed beyond belief. In the moment he proclaimed, "I never want to use a condom again. Always wanna feel you like this."

They were clearly the right words because Mew groaned, and his hips went from slow to quick, his hips start to rabbit into Gulf's body, fucking him so quickly that Gulf didn't have time to miss him when he pulled out.

"P'Mew," Gulf whined, and he dug his short nails into his back so he wouldn't be dislodged by his thrusts.

"Gulf," Mew groaned into his ear, "My good boy. I love you so much."

"I love you too," Gulf cried into his shoulder, "I love you too, I love you too—"

It was one of the rare occasions where Mew came first, letting out a choked out yell as he filled Gulf up with his come, his hips jerking and then pressing in as deep as he could so none of it escaped. The warmth seeping inside him, and the knowledge that it was _Mew's_ come, was enough for Gulf to come with a high moan, clutching at Mew's back and struggling to hold himself together. But he didn't need to try too hard, because Mew was right there: strong, and solid above him—and always holding him together.

Despite already being spent, Mew still continued to lazily fuck into him, using his own come as lubricant to screw back inside Gulf's loosened and recently claimed body.

 _Why did we wait so long to do this?_ Gulf thought hazily, even though they'd been dating for less than a month. It was sticky and messy, but Gulf loved it. Mew's bare cock inside and his come filling him, now trickling down his thighs.

Of course, all good things had to come to an end. Mew eventually stilled, but he didn't pull out. Instead, he pushed himself up with one arm and kissed Gulf. They made out with their mouths open and languid, licking into each other before Mew pulled back with a parting kiss on his upper lip.

"Are you okay?" Mew asked, always the gentleman. _Or, not always_ , Gulf thought. He did have Mew's come staining his inner thighs.

"More than okay." Gulf leaned up and pecked him before flopping back on the pillows, feeling pleasantly loved and fucked out.

"Good," Mew said, pecking him back. He started to pull out and Gulf's legs clenched around him in mild panic.

"No," Gulf said, "stay like this with me. Just for a little bit longer."

After his anxiety over the last two days, he felt safer like this. With Mew on top of him, and inside him.

"Gulf—" Mew sounded hesitant.

"Please, Phi? Just for a little bit." A note of desperation snuck in there, and some of the endorphins from the sex faded away.

"Okay." Mew must have heard it to too. He settled back on top of him and peppered his face with kisses. "Okay. Just for a bit."

Gulf relaxed and held onto him.

"We need to talk," Mew said. Gulf closed his eyes and his brow furrowed. This was the thing he'd wanted to avoid, even though the lack of it had caused this entire fight.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Yai Nong. I won't get mad or...stop loving you." Mew could barely get the words out, so disgusted with the idea. "You can tell your Phi anything."

If he'd asked him this earlier, Gulf wouldn't have said a word. But pressed under him he felt secure enough to start.

"I didn't have any friends when I started high school."

Mew didn't say anything, giving him the room to continue. "After what happened in grade school with the bullying...I was quiet. Shy. It just made it easier for the people who knew me from back then to keep going."

"Bullying you." Mew's voice sounded tight.

Gulf nodded. "I—I didn't have anyone."

Mew sighed mournfully and held him, stroking his tiny ears, and his neck.

This was old news to Gulf, but Mew's reactions made him feel like maybe it was worse than he remembered. Like his reaction to Ice.

"That's how I met P'Ice," Gulf said, and Mew stiffened above him. "I'd skip class and sit on the beaches all day to avoid the bullies. And then afterward I never wanted to go home because I knew my Mae would be there waiting for me, disappointed because the school had already called her and told her I'd skipped the whole day. I made her cry so many times."

Gulf bit his lip to stop himself from crying from the shame, and Mew stopped him, pulling his teeth free. "Don't do that," he ordered, "If you want to cry, then cry. Don't bottle it up and then run away somewhere to cry alone."

Gulf knew he was referring to the bathroom, and him casually admitting, _I usually cry alone_ , in the early days of their relationship.

Gulf nodded and sniffled, letting a few tears escape even as he struggled to blink them away by looking up. Mew looked down at him without judgment, only brushing them away until he could continue.

"I met him when I was at the beach late one night and he introduced me to his friends. He bought me my first beer and he taught me how to smoke a cigarette."

Mew looked pissed but Gulf said, "P'Mew, I'd never had a group of friends before."

"Gulf...you were fourteen."

"I know that now," Gulf said, even if he didn't see it in the same dire way Mew did. "But at the time, he was the first friend I had. I started staying out late and drinking more, and always with P'Ice. Even when I eventually made friends of my own at Suankularb Wittayalai. My Mae hated it."

"I hate it," Mew grumbled and Gulf tried not to smile.

"Eventually I was sure that she hated me too."

Mew stopped, his expression becoming more thoughtful.

"I never wanted to come home and see her because I knew she'd just be sitting there _looking_ at me like I was the biggest disappointment she'd ever seen. So I started drinking more, and coming home less...but eventually things got better."

"How?"

"I broke down and begged her not to hate me," Gulf admitted, his voice raw, "It's my greatest fear, I think. People I love not loving me anymore."

He could see the cogs of Mew's brain sliding together behind his eyes, as he realized what had happened.

"Oh, Gulf," Mew kissed his forehead, and Gulf didn't even mind when he suddenly pulled out. He felt empty, but Mew quickly replaced it with his warm arms, pulling him to his chest so Gulf could nuzzle his nose under his chin. "That is never going to happen. No matter if it's Khun Mae or me, or anyone else. How could someone not love you?"

He pressed repeated worshipful kisses between Gulf's eyes, nuzzling against him until Gulf's eyes fluttered shut.

"Why were you so mad at me?" Gulf eventually asked in a small voice.

Mew stilled, and Gulf opened his eyes.

Mew looked down at him and Gulf saw guilt on his face.

"I wasn't mad at you, Yai Nong," Mew said, "And I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I was just mad at...all of this."

"This?"

"You befriending a predator, and a complete loser, just because you had no one else to turn to. I hate that you were so alone." Gulf pressed a hand to his chest to calm him down, sure that Mew was about to go into one of his angry spiels.

"A predator who...tried to take you—"

_Why does P'Mew have to phrase everything in the worst possible way?_

Gulf had been freaked out at the time, but he didn't think Ice would have forced him to do anything, despite him being a minor at the time.

"—and then finding out that you still don't see anything wrong with it over five years later, even though you're an adult now. You saw so little wrong with it that you thought telling me about it was a fun little story that I would just brush off. _That's_ what made me angry."

Gulf felt scolded again, but it was softened by Mew's tight grip on him, and the warmth of his chest under his cheek.

"I'm sorry," Gulf said, "I never thought about it that way."

Mew sighed and cupped his cheek, brushing his round cheek with the pad of his thumb.

"I don't want you to say sorry, Nong. Because it's not your fault. I just wish I had been there for you."

Mew got like this sometimes. Mourning the time they could have spent together if they had met earlier, obsessively studying all the tiny ways that their paths had crossed prior to meeting in the audition room.

Gulf only realized how serious he was about it when Mew said, "I would have protected you if I'd been there," after seeing a shiny pink scar on Gulf's ankle from a swimming accident that had occurred in his first year of university.

"P'Mew," Gulf said, "you can't be angry about things that happened in the past that can't be changed. It's a waste of time." This was usually sound advice that Mew would give others, but he still looked lost in his own thoughts, absent-mindedly rubbing circles into Gulf's upper arm.

"You can't be mad at yourself for not being there at the time," Gulf amended, sure that was where his head was. "You still found me. Right?"

Mew looked down at him, and Gulf saw some of the fog clear until the only thing he was looking at was Gulf. Present and clear, and unworried about old, forgotten, and unimportant things.

"Yeah," Mew said, "I did."

**Author's Note:**

>  **Events, places, and things mentioned:**  
> [Mew and Gulf's fight](https://twitter.com/mewguIfie/status/1267757041705254912?s=20)  
> [Mew and Gulf talking to Run](https://twitter.com/mewmeow_boobii/status/1233000821089955842?s=20)  
> [Gulf saying his greatest fear is his parents not loving him anymore, and asking his Mae to never stop loving him. ](https://twitter.com/mewwithgulf/status/1319612225720442880)  
> [Chatuchak park](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chatuchak_Park)  
> [Gulf being too nervous to look Mew in the eyes and Mew having to hold his hands to calm him down.](https://twitter.com/mewqulfs/status/1328367215083622400)  
> [Gulf crying in Mew's arms during the workshops and saying "I usually cry alone."](https://twitter.com/gulf_sunflower/status/1334275869842391040?s=20)  
> [Gulf trying not to cry talking about how he was bullied as a kid for being too thin. (Context for why he was so lonely)](https://twitter.com/Horizonmew/status/1263267335030308867?s=20)  
> [Gulf mentioning one of his childhood pets, a cat named Ouan (chubby).](https://twitter.com/Vtm_gulf/status/1335146311947972608)  
>    
> I decided to write about this specific fight really early on in their relationship because I doubt Gulf would have these kinds of doubts past the first 1-3 month mark.
> 
> If you enjoyed this please leave a comment or a kudos, or preferably both! Let me know what you think.
> 
> If you want to reach me elsewhere you can reach me on my BL writing Tumblr [@badapricot](https://badapricot.tumblr.com/). If you wanna clown around, give me a reason to delete all these fics and it's done.


End file.
